A very Human Decision

Do you know what?

I have just decided that I'm not going to do this any more. I do have a choice and my human is saying "NO, no more - it's not happening ANY MORE!"

I'll be honest, I am feeling a little low right now. It's all very well not feeling too great for a couple of days but when it starts to interfere with your life it does become a tad boring. I've had many sleepless nights recently worrying about the lack of running, the lack of energy but most of all the lack of fund raising. It's not that I don't have idea's, I have lots, no what I lack is a bit of courage to ask for help and a few quid to get things going, the cash I can do nothing about but the courage just makes me cross. It's a fear of failing, a fear that no-one will turn up, an endorsement of what I think I already know. Anyway, I don't think I'm fundraiser material.

I felt we were thrown a bit of a life-line yesterday when Shelter sent me an email to say that we have until next Friday to defer our place to next year to allow another runner on their waiting list to run instead. It has led to a great deal of soul searching. Hours I should have been running have been replaced by hours of thinking. The one thing I wanted to do this year was 'better than I did last year' which wasn't, when I set it, a hugely over optimistic goal, but it's sliding now, I'm hanging on by my fingertips to the dream, the last thing in the world I want is to come away this year even more disappointed than I was last year. Each non-running day is another 10 minutes of walking on the day. I can't leave the house or look out of the window without seeing a healthy, young runner speed past and shelter no doubt have a great long list of nimble young things with thousands of extrovert friends who fund raise in their sleep just waiting for me to fail. Right now I'm feeling very old, very tired and a little bit stupid.

I wrote that bit yesterday and have spent hours tweaking, deleting and amending. I've done away with the 'rant', got rid of the bulk of the 'poor me' and then this morning I woke up with my human very much in control.

I need to do a bit of checking out but I do believe that next year might be our best option. If we would have a guaranteed place next year then training would have a goal and we would have a complete year to add to our fund raising. I would love to hear any thoughts, are we letting anyone down?, should we just go for it this year?, will I regret this decision?, I really hope not.