Last Post . . . for a while

You wouldn't believe just how many times I have started this post, I've written reams, deleted loads, re-written and re-written again but I just can't get it right.

So much of it has sounded soap boxy or ranty or bitter old womany and that's no good at all.  So, I'm going to keep this simple.  I have struggled a lot since the end of the marathon.  Lots of emotions, a going back to normal and being even more disappointed with that normality than I was before - that sounded awful and I don't mean it to.  I have a wonderful family and three kids that I will always be proud of no matter what they do.  The disappointment is mine, the opportunities missed, the wrong turns, trusting the wrong people - all of that.  Training for the marathon gave my life a focus I hadn't experienced in a long, long while, it was so hard to fit in hours of training alongside a full time job and a home and a family, every single moment was filled, my head was filled, wall to wall with 'marathon thoughts' there was no room for anything else.  The other thing that happened during the seven or so months from letter to race was that when you do it in someone's memory you keep that person alive in your head and when people get behind you and remember with you you do become part of a little 'gang' and then you cross the line, put your trainers in the cupboard for a while and allow all those suppressed thoughts back in, the gang disperses and you're back to the washing, the ironing, the bills and a job that isn't your first choice of career (or your second, third, fourth or fifth choice for that matter!).  Easy, I thought, all I need is another focus but it's really quite hard, at my age, to find something that can come close to the London Marathon, so far I have tried making cup cakes, I've had the odd glass of wine, read a few books, taken a few photo's but nothing comes within a loping mile.  My life was pretty dull before but now I am totally overwhelmed by dullness and it's a bit of a struggle to be honest.  Watching the Olympics I can't help but wonder what kind of low those people experience, win or loose when you've given so much for almost your whole life it must be hard when it's over.

Anyway, I am going to sign out for just a while and find a new focus, re-group and set a few new goals, I have to finally close the door on one thing in particular, loose the rage and move forward.  I don't want to witter on about nothing.  If you are still with me, and very few are now, please keep checking - I'll be back, maybe with a new hat!.